For most of my life, my primary motivator has been fear.
I either did or didn't do things because of it.
New experiences were stressful. Initiating conversations was a challenge. Work was a daily practice in blaming others for my own creative inertia.
During this same period of time I was a faithful church-going follower of God's son. I taught Sunday school. I was on the prayer ministry team. But what I was experiencing on Sunday wasn't translating into the rest of the week.
For a while I blamed God.
And I felt like a spiritual schizophrenic.
Behaving one way, positive and upbeat, at church. Even portraying an upbeat persona at work on most days (despite the aforementioned blaming habit). But deep inside, feeling as if the core of my being had yet to be affected.
I was stuck.
I was stuck because God has given me an adventurous spirit.
When I was in my mid-20s I packed some clothes and a frying pan, stuffed them into a backpack, and got on a train to New York City. For a kid who was raised in the midwest, in a smaller-sized town (of about 35,000) this was a huge deal. Not to mention that I had no job waiting for me. Or any friends in New York that I could live with temporarily while I adjusted to the Big Apple.
Suffice to say I made it. That adventurous spirit kept me in Manhattan for eight years, during which time I earned a master's degree and became the chief researcher for the National Coalition for the Homeless (which included helping to put together the first Congressional hearing on homelessness since the Great Depression).
Shortly after 9/11, that spirit of adventure hit again, and I quit my job and returned to New York for 16 months to become involved with Metro World Child, ministering to kids via a marvelous invention called Sidewalk Sunday School.
When I came back home, I was re-hired by my former boss into a different position, which held additional responsibility.
But the pattern of being confident and adventurous on the outside while being full of fear on the inside remained.
Fast forward, I retired at the end of 2014 and recently started a part-time position working in a neighborhood elementary school.
This first week has been one in which I've directly had to face fear of the unknown. Big time.
From remembering where the staff bathrooms are, to the myriad of other details involved in the learning curve that comes along with any new job.
It hasn't been easy. But this time, I'm not finding myself stuck.
I am choosing to enter into God's presence in a deeper way each day.
I am choosing to speak out God's promises to me. (Things like, I'm His kid. He has me covered in all situations. I'm not going anywhere where He hasn't already provided for me).
I am choosing faith over fear.
And I'm learning that this choice doesn't mean that I won't experience fear again, It simply means that, with God's help, I will choose faith. To live as if God is protecting me, even if it doesn't feel like it.
The funny thing is, each time that I choose to live by faith, God's there. Each time in life when I've said yes to adventure, and kept God at the center of it, it's turned out fine.
What have I learned through all this?
God is a good God. God is trustworthy. God is with me.
This knowledge isn't based on how I'm feeling at the minute. It's not based on me at all. It's based solely on who God is. So it turns out I'm not a spiritual schizophrenic after all.
It boils down to making an irrevocable decision to trust and hope in God, and live by faith. Actively seeking God's presence daily. And as Robert Frost once wrote in his beautifully prophetic poem, The Road Not Taken: "That has made all the difference."
How about you? I invite you to post a response.
Photo Credit. www.fmaonline.net
No comments:
Post a Comment