Blessed Are the Nones by Stina Kielsmeier-Cook, A Review

There has been a lot of attention paid to people who describe themselves as "nones."

Usually, that's an indication of no religious affiliation.

In the case of Stina Kielsmeier-Cook, BLESSED ARE THE NONES is a religious memoir, detailing her life with her husband Josh, who a few years ago quit believing in the traditional God of the evangelical religion he and Stina had belonged to before their marriage. [The couple met in Bible college and she describes them as being on fire for God].

Stina and Josh's dilemma is made the more challenging because they are parents of two young children. In the beginning, Stina has a revelation that she is now spiritually single. Going to church, attending any church-related events, even deciding upon a home church are decisions that she navigates alone.

She describes her situation as one in which "the older I get, the more Moscow [a city that has only six minutes of sunlight a day during December] seems like a metaphor for the spiritual life... For whatever reason, faith can become more distant as we travel through life, encountering disappointment and twisty turns."

But at least the spiritually nomadic aren't alone. 

"Denominational wandering is not unusual for modern Christians, nor do I think it's necessarily a bad thing. For millennials, the schisms over finer theological points, such as child versus adult baptism, or what happens at Communion, matter less than the authenticity of the congregation and its activity on issues of social importance... Fewer and fewer of us are centered in just one denomination. We are spiritual explorers, and when the church shows its ugly underbelly, many of my generation are looking for God outside institutional religion's walls."

As it turns out, Stina and her family live down the street from a small group of nuns operating a Visitation [Sisters of Holy Mary] Monastery, which includes a program for laypeople called Visitation Companions.

Stina Kielsmeier-Cook/Katzie & Ben Photography

It doesn't take long for Stina to become enamored with these [Catholic] nuns. "They are organized and persistent, having endured decades of common life in-community pre-and-post Vatican II. They are neither passive nor timid, remaining faithful to their vows. They are the hearty ones, who have stayed in the church amid decline, who have seen their traditions devalued and mocked, who devote their lives to singing the Psalms and embracing vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience."

Stina is very honest in describing both her journey in becoming a Visitation Companion and the struggle of living in an interfaith relationship.

"The thing about blazing a new trail in your interfaith home is that it costs something. The path is arduous, and no one has cleared the downed trees. There are no obvious faith practices to mutually draw from; instead, you must decide on family rhythms as you go."

It doesn't help that Stina and her family live within a "solution-oriented culture," that often seems to value the final result over respect for the process. And that faith is a gift that continually evolves.

"I once believed that a steady, certain faith in God and the Nicene Creed and the Bible was an absolute requirement for being a Christian. But in my own faith journey, the temperature keeps fluctuating and I can't seem to control the weather."

She continues: "The evangelical tradition in which our faith was formed always hammered down the importance of right belief. All it took to be a Christian was believing that Jesus was the Son of God, that he died on the cross for our sins, and that we must accept him into our hearts to achieve eternal life. Having all the right answers seemed so simple.

"Is it any surprise that many former evangelicals, who took this emphasis of right belief so seriously, eventually walk away when their doubts begin to feel overwhelming?

"Being part of any religion is less about how we feel or what we believe at any given instant, which changes moment by moment, and more about our commitment to wrestle with our faith."

Stina spends considerable time examining the Visitation Sisters' way of life, partly because she begins to pray with them and enter into the process of becoming a Visitation Companion, a layperson affiliated with the Visitation Sisters, without taking vows.

Speaking of which, Stina notes, "Benedictine Sister Joan Chittister [founder of Nuns on the Bus] has written extensively about the vows of religious life, criticizing their outdated framework. She wrote: 'What the world needs now, respects now, understands now is not poverty, chastity and obedience. It is generous justice, reckless love and limitless listening."

Throughout BLESSED ARE THE NONES, Stina reaffirms her deep love for Josh and their family. She grieves over Josh's disengagement from the Christian faith, but she does not seek to impose her views on him.

"As Josh stops to identify fungi growing on a downed log near our path, I remember [Deitrich] Bonhoeffer's warning to love people more than my visions for life - whether that vision is for Christian community or the perfect religious upbringing for my kids. It's a struggle. I wonder if the work of love begins when our ideals shatter, when we're forced to sort through the broken pieces together."

In the middle of all of this, Stina realizes that she is not really 'spiritually single,' but very much immersed in community. Whether it is the connection to the Visitation Monastery or a monthly get-together with mutual friends of hers and Josh's.

And her definition of the love she shares with her husband has deepened. "Loving each  other doesn't mean giving up our distinct beliefs or practices. Loving each other means we each seek to understand and honor what the other holds sacred.

"In another way, it's how I practice the [wedding] vows we made to mutually obey one another. Kathleen Norris writes that, at its root, 'The word obey means 'hear.' And listening in that sense as mutual obedience, is fundamental to marriage... Such intimacy is a great gift because it also contains the challenge of doing what is necessary, every single day, to maintain the relationship.'"

I found BLESSED ARE THE NONES to be a refreshing piece of hard-won wisdom in the middle of a spiritually confusing time in our world's history. Personally, I can relate to what Stina is writing about, especially in regards to her husband's loss of interest in evangelicalism and Christianity. I grew up Roman Catholic, attending Mass for 30 years. Then, in my mid-30's I became 'born again,' and was a member of an evangelical church for another 30 years. Now I go to a Methodist church with a progressive focus, but I'm not a member. It's been quite a journey, but Stina Kielsmeier-Cook's book gives me hope. 

It should give you hope too!